It almost happened. I almost shit the bed.
There’s a certain calmness that came over me and I was just going to accept it. I thought to myself. This is it. The first time. Then I quickly thought to myself if I let it happen this time what about next time. Or the time after that? Will it just become normal to shitting the bed. Will this be my life?
Gott’emmmmI did almost shit the bed. Not for real, but in terms of writing todays blogmass. It still all applies though. What about next time. I know that I said I would be happy with 20/31 post but I am giving myself those days for when I leave for holidays. I want to be able to disconnect a bit and be present. I told myself earlier today that it was okay if I miss it because “its chill” I can skip a day. This is some hella self sabotaging I do to myself. I set a goal for myself, I act on said goal, it goes good, but then I slowly start questioning myself.
Why am I doing this. Its only you holding yourself accountable, its kinda hard just stop. All the classic self doubt questions.
I know I do this so I have been practicing stopping theses thoughts. I try to remind myself why I want to do this. What does it fufil for me? Wether it a sense of accomplishment, knowing that I did it for me, knowing I pushed forward past these intrusive thoughts. I try to remind myself. Its easy to get caught up and to feed into these negative thought process. Another thing I try and ask myself is “How am I going to feel if I don’t do it” Is the answer shitty? Then GURLLLL why are you going to do that to yourself?? It took my a while to be able to look at myself and notice that I have some shitty tendencies, and then it took me a lil longer to be able to take accountability for those tendencies. I am the QUEEN of excuses, and procrastinating. “I didn’t have time” you know the spiel. Once I was able to see this about myself I was able to start intervening, and trying to change my thought processes.
This is a weird thing I have been going through and I feel like there are probably more of you out there that maybe share this self sabatogy BS. We are so much stronger then we give ourselves credit for. If you are able to even recognise this about yourself (if it applies to you) then you are already doing rad. Being self aware is really hard. It can be really nice to have a sense of yourself, but it also means accepting that you might have some shit you need to deal with. So if you are aware of these self sabotaging habits I am so proud of you! Stopping intrusive thoughts is a new job in its own. If you are able to stop on a day, one a week, one a month your doing it! Stand up to yourself and say “Just do it” (insert Shai Lebeouf here) or “NO I wont quit” There is this weird satisfaction like you just told a bully off, and then the knowing your going to keep doing what your doing or that your going to completer something on top of that!
Celebrating writing this blog might seem silly to you, and the tangent I went on might be a bit much. BUT writing this blog post is a small victoriy for me. I pushed forward when realistically I was laying in bed almost a sleep pretty okay with the fact I didn’t write it. I always talk about celebrating small victories, and this is a victory for me! I feel better knowing I wrote it, I feel better for trying to stop a cycle that is hurtful to myself.
I DIDNT SHIT THE BED!!!